For the past two months I have been playing phone tag
with our auto insurance company.  Whenever I call the
local office they conveniently (for them, not me)
redirect my call to an office three hours away.  Then,
that office asks me to fax information to an office
that is two hours away from them.

A few days later, I call to follow up on the
information I sent in and to enquire as to whether or
not my policy has been updated.

“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company.
Please press ‘one’ to hear this message in English.”
I press ‘one.’

“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company.
Please push ‘one’ for assistance.”  I press ‘one.’

“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Company.
All of our operators are busy; please stay on the
line.  A representative will be with you shortly.”

At this point I pull up a chair and settle in for a
long wait.  Corny background music plays while a woman
with a carefully neutral and ‘soothing’ tone explains
how important the customer is to Well Known Insurance
Company and how they always place the customer first.

By now the little ones have discovered that I am stuck
on the phone, so they proceed to get into everything.

“Thank you for calling Well Known Insurance Com--.”

“Hello?”

“We’ll be with you shortly.”

“GET DOWN FROM THE TOP OF THAT BOOKCASE!”

“This call may be monitored to assure quality
assistance.”

“Leave the cat alone!  Put your sister’s eye back in
its socket!”

A live woman with a nasal-sounding and unenthusiastic
monotone voice answers:  “Hello, this is Jane.  How
can I direct your call?”

“I need to know whether or not my insurance policy has
been updated.”

“Please hold for our next available representative.”

“I want a cookie, Momma.”

“Hello?"  More soothing music plays.

“I want a cookie!”

“I WANT TO SPEAK TO A REAL LIVE PERSON ALREADY!”

“This call may be monitored to assure quality
assistance.”

“Then, listen up!  I am sick and tired of playing
phone games with you people.  I want to speak to a
real--.”

Jane again:  “Hello.  How can I direct your call?”

“I need to know whether or not my insurance policy has
been updated.”

“Please hold for our next available representative.”

“What!?  What about YOU!?  Hello?  Hello?”

“This is George.  I’m the departmental supervisor.
May I please have your last name, zip code and can you
spell hippopotamus?”

“H-I-P-P-O…I need to know if my policy has--.”

“How big is the boat?”

“What?  It’s a van, a 12-seat--.”

“One moment.”  

Just what does insurance REALLY ensure anyway?  A
headache, I tell you.  So I call the doctor’s office
to renew my prescription for painkillers.

“Doctor’s office – can you hold, please?”