Well, it finally happened. One of my kids has
outsmarted me when it comes to eating vegetables. The
two-year old, demonstrating sheer brilliance on his
part, now surpasses his older siblings in weaseling
out of eating healthy foods. To be blunt, he shoves
veggies up his nose and there is no way I'm paying the
bucks to take him to the emergency room to have
kernels of corn extracted from his wee brain. Even
though that would make a GREAT column.

So, now he doesn't have to eat his veggies if he
doesn't want to because I might have to leave the
table to get the ketchup and come back and find that
he's snorted all the side dishes.

Seriously. I knew he was up to something. Veggies just
don't disappear that fast on HIS plate. Sure enough, I
discovered his secret stash.

Now, in my day, we'd hide veggies under the table in
the little crevices. Or we'd smoothly wipe our mouths
and make a secret deposit into a napkin. Oh, sure, my
mom was always wise to this, but it never crossed my
mind to hide the offending veggies up my nose.

What next? Peas in his ears? Mashed potatoes in his
belly button?

I have to put a stop to this before he's old enough
for elementary school. There's no telling how many
crayons, pencils and homework assignments he'll file
away.

And if he keeps that up, who knows where it will end?
Maybe one day he'll walk into a department store and
slip out with an iPod shoved up his nose.

"Hello, Mom? I've been arrested. I, uh, accidentally
inhaled an iPod."

"What!? I told you to keep your nose clean! If you
don’t stay out of trouble you’re really going to blow
it."

Oh, I definitely have to curb this interest of his. No
child of mine is going to live a life of crime! Why,
once he sniffs up his first iPod it can only lead to
even bigger things, like televisions and cars.

“Son, is that a Volkswagen Beetle sticking out of your
nose?”

“What nose?”

“The one with the license plate number ‘IDIGIT2.’”

I know. I’m probably making a big fuss about nothing.
People tell me that it’s just a phase he’s going
through. One kernel of corn doesn’t constitute grand
theft auto nor does it reflect poorly on my son’s
character.

Then again, no self-respecting mom will leave these
things to chance. You’ll never see my boy on Jerry
Springer crying about how I SHOULD HAVE made him blow
his nose at the dinner table. No, sir. When it comes
to instilling morals and character in children it’s
definitely nothing to sniff at.