Natural-Born Parents  

By Connie Colwell Miller

As the number of my friends and acquaintances who have become mothers and fathers continues to grow, I’ve begun to think more critically about what makes a “good parent.” And, as my own son grows, I’ve also spent a great deal of time reflecting on my own parenting decisions and those of my husband to try to determine whether we can, indeed, consider ourselves “good parents.”

It’s funny, but, after much thought, I can’t really come up with any definite criteria for being a “good” parent.

I’ve found myself thinking often of the few girlfriends who vowed they would never be mothers. Funny, bright women who just happened to have all the warmth and good nature of a wildebeest. Then, as is always the case, life happens, and suddenly here comes the first child. I’ve witnessed complete transformations.

It reminds me of what my mother sometimes said: “I like children. I just don’t like other people’s children.”

This phenomenon seems to occur even more frequently in parents of the male persuasion. I remember feeling vaguely terrified by my husband’s reaction when my sister gave birth to her first son (I was about four months pregnant at the time). My husband approached the child like he was made of solid turds. Despite my coaxing, he wanted nothing to do with that baby.

Sure enough, when my own son was born, my husband’s “instincts,” as we’ll call them, took over. The time my husband now spends dancing to Bill Withers with my son proves that he has managed to overcome this obstacle.

The real question here is: are the children of these slow-comers to parenting any worse off than those belonging to the men and women who spend countless hours pouring over child-rearing books before the zygote is even conceived? No way.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental, I’d like to draw the conclusion that we humans are born naturals when it comes to parenting. We are mammals after all —women have that “mothering” instinct ingrained into the very fiber of our being. Men, although they sometimes take longer to warm up to the idea of parenting, seem to be just as natural at fathering their young.

I think, as intelligent and compassionate parents, we get way too wrapped up in all the various ways that we will eventually screw up our children. We see kids all over the place with little flaws or strange quirks they only could have learned from a well-intentioned parent. We think, “Which of these, or worse, will my child pick up?” The implied question becomes: “And how will I know which things I should feel responsible, and thereby guilty, for?”

Personally, I think we should all gives ourselves a break. Our kids are going to have tiny little flaws and strange quirks up the wazoo. It’s inevitable — just ask anyone who has a teenager. And as much as our society urges us to try to fix all our children’s oddities, we really don’t need to. Children are individuals, just like their parents, and the goal of parents isn’t necessarily to raise “flawless” children, but to raise happy and healthy children. Instinctually, we all know this.

Of course, there are the blatant parental atrocities. We read about them in the newspaper all the time. But I know you, column reader, and you are not the type of parent we hear about on the five o’clock news. You are the type of parent who is laying awake at night worrying about whether you should have given in to your daughter’s plea for a second cup of applesauce. Am I right, or am I right?

So go ahead and worry, but rest assured that you’re doing the right thing. You’re a good parent, and so am I.